Lava is pretty cool… Cool enough to drink, though?

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Mister Writer

Hot LavaToday for the first time ever, I drank lava. This was when things went horribly wrong. At first you see this hot glass of lava and it looks like some type of creamy bloody mary but after a few sips…the truth is real. This is not the type of drink that is as good as it might look.

The first sign that what you are drinking is lava, is when you look at the glass. Did it melt? Is there a smell of burning plastics and is your house on fire? If so, dial 911. If not get a tattoo of something pretty on y’anus because this will help cushion the blow for having to sit on the bench all season.

What difference does it make?

Well first off lava is dangerous folks and like the dinosaurs, these are things we should stay away from. However if you do find yourself in the position to try some lava, you are gonna want to down it immediately. Coat your esophageal tract with aluminum oxide while praying to God and placing a bet on the Koran that you pass this hot stool by morning or death be swift. Best bet for consumption is probably to lay face first, prostrate in a pile of it with a molybdenum straw. Just don’t inhale too quickly 1300 degrees plus is a tough pill to swallow.

What kind of lava is drinkable?

Technically all. Here is a selection of our favorites.

Yummy lava Get a cup... Lava lava lava

Lava is hot am I gonna get burned?

Yes. Expect burns to range from extreme to more extreme.

This is not safe.

Although this may not be totally safe we do recommend drinking a large amount of water before and if possible, immediately afterward. Truth is there is no such thing as safe lava consumption but we take risks everyday, like for example getting into a car and going on the freeway from work or purchases from the ice cream man. Framing things in a positive light helps to. Without drinking lava, there is no way to know the power of lava. So you gotta give it a shot and if lava is right for you than it is going to be right for everyone.