Lava Me: The Next Thing I Knew He Ran Out….

Mister Writer
HeroMatt was a daredevil but the day he ran out onto the lava over a few beers and a bet. Well that was enough for me to call him the most insane cousin ever. Matt has had impaired judgement and poor insight for most his life. In fact few decisions he ever made were what some might say, made with any sort of common sense. Half of Matt’s tattoos were made in garages of reconstituted extracts from cool-aid dyes. For the most part Matt spent most his life trading various Yu-Gi-Oh cards for small amounts of weed. Besides that he was a fairly clean-cut guy who was willing to test the rubber on his shoes for $100 (about the price of the replacement pair).

This wouldn’t be the last time Matt hopped on the Lava today. Shortly thereafter Matt forgot his Coke approximately 80 meters in, a place he deemed a safe spot to set it down while he poked around for a ‘live one’. No one was sure what that meant. Luckily thanks to his intrepid speed, he managed to save the soda after half the metal had molten and the liquid evaporated. Matt didn’t have much time after his third trip onto the lava to talk about his experience since his shoes had firmly fused to his feet severely damaging his nerve endings. This wasn’t the first time Matt damaged his nerves, first occurrence was in 2003 with another sour bet challenging a herd of wild boar to a staring match. It was originally meant as an overly sarcastic joke. Although Matt remained steadfast the pigs did not and gored a portion of his sciatic nerve. Some say it was this very event that led Matt to take his most recent crazy gamble.

I just dashed. When he said 100 bucks, that was all I needed to commit. Back in the day I used to run pretty fast so that is were I get the confidence, in the skill and knowledge of my abilities. – Matt Washburn Hilo, Hawaii

sodaMost of what was gained from Matt’s lava running days was a unique source of cooking and a new found, unlimited source of energy. This most major of discoveries was later found by a triple-peer reviewed scientific study cross-translated into pig Latin proving without a shadow of a doubt that lava was pretty good to cook on and obviously a source of heat. These things Matt found comforting. Never again would Matt run on lava though.

Due to the nature of his sports injury Matt was not available directly for comments. Friends and family state that he mostly watches Star Wars these days and plays with the neighborhood dogs whom he refers to as his ‘street dawgs’.

“Yeah my hot lava running days are done. Got some bad blisters. I’m not willing to chance that again. Especially with the way karaoke night has been playing out.”

Unfortunately for Matt some of his ignorance based injuries were simply because of his overzealous character and a penchant for indecisive behavior. That was OK since Matt was accepted by his friends and family. At the family cookout Matt showed off one more trick. Grilled shrimp with pumice seasons. Also a tooth whitener.